To my friends:
I am truly sorry for the pain that my death will cause. I know it would be unreasonable for me to ask you not to grieve, but I pray that your grief pass as quickly and lightly as possible. Please believe me: I held on as long as I could. Every possible treatment has either been tried, or has a price that is simply too high: I will not live out my life as a zombie, drugged-out on the stronger psychiatric medications; nor will I have my personality erased with electroshock therapy. There is no point in preserving my physical organism if the person I think of as "me" is destroyed in the process.
I doubt if any of you can even imagine the kind of pain in which I have been living these past few months. I say that only because I myself could not have imagined, a year ago, that the human organism was capable of the sort of suffering that I now experience every day. I have known pain, often extreme pain, my entire life -- but these past few months have been a hell beyond my worst nightmares. Yes, I know that most of you won't understand. I pray that you never do.
The only thing of real value that I have to will is my intellectual property, all of which I put into the public domain. To ensure that this wish is carried out, I leave all of my journals, sketchbooks, notes, and computer equipment to Chris Blanc. I have chosen Chris because he is the one friend that I know cannot be bullied or bribed into overt censorship, nor tricked into allowing the sort of covert censorship that is my primary fear: that of recontextualizing my words in bad faith. I trust Chris to ensure that my own truth is not suppressed, however much my family and the psychiatric establishment might wish to do so.
Chris: I ask only that my words and images be made available to any and all who wish to see them. My hope is that there might somewhere be artists or scientists who will be able to sift through all of my crap (and most of it is crap) and find those few things worth saving and elaborating upon. (And if you can make my work accessible in a way that is also financially rewarding for you, I encourage you to do so. I ask only that the greater part of any profits generated from my work get donated to the Seattle dance/theatre community: e.g. Velocity Dance Center, Deborah Birrane with Unexpected Company, PAN, Degenerate Art Ensemble, LeGendre Performance, D9 Dance Collective, and Seattle Fringe Festival are all worthy organizations.)
My other possessions do not amount to much, but let me make gifts of what little I have. I intend these things as gifts, not burdens: let no one feel obligated to keep what I've willed below. You are free to give these things away, burn them, sell them, whatever.
My CDs and DJ equipment I leave to Lara Schneider, to be shared with the entire northwest EDM community. Lara, you are one of the few people who knew that I was suicidal, and I know that that will make my death particularly difficult for you. I am truly sorry for this. Please believe me: you did everything a friend could do for me, and there was nothing more you or anyone else could have done.
My Mojave painting I leave to Regan Remy.
I leave explicit instructions with the Church of Mez to make as many tasteless jokes about my death as possible. (Perhaps they can throw a dancerboy memorial nitrous party?)
To Zhian Khonsary, I leave the number 17.5.
Let the rest of my possessions be disposed of in whatever manner is customary.
Of course, there are many others for whom I have no gifts but my love and gratitude:
First, my love to everyone in the northwest EDM community: Inertia Labs, Apollo's Lute, Seelie Court, et al. Thanks to you, these last few years have contained many moments of joy and magick.
My eternal love to all of the lovers I've had over the years. Whether we were together for years or only for a night, you are all very special. A lover's embrace is still the most holy place I know, and every experience of physical intimacy has been sacred to me.
And last and foremost, my undying love and gratitude to all of the dancers and other artists with whom I have performed and collaborated, whose choreography I have danced, and who have taught me what I know. Working side by side with so many talented and passionate artists has been the greatest honor and privilege of my life. I must in particular thank Laurie Cameron, who first recognized and encouraged the dancer in me. I can think of no other single person to whom I owe so much. Had it not been for Laurie, I would have died many years earlier, in spirit if not in body.
I ask that, as soon as possible, my body be burned, and the ashes scattered in some wild and lonely place.