To my friends:
I am truly sorry for the pain that my death will cause. I know it would be unreasonable
for me to ask you not to grieve, but I pray that your grief pass as quickly and
lightly as possible. Please believe me: I held on as long as I could. Every possible
treatment has either been tried, or has a price that is simply too high: I will
not live out my life as a zombie, drugged-out on the stronger psychiatric medications;
nor will I have my personality erased with electroshock therapy. There is no
point in preserving my physical organism if the person I think of as "me" is
destroyed in the process.
I doubt if any of you can even imagine the kind of pain in which I have been living
these past few months. I say that only because I myself could not have imagined,
a year ago, that the human organism was capable of the sort of suffering that
I now experience every day. I have known pain, often extreme pain, my entire life
-- but these past few months have been a hell beyond my worst nightmares. Yes,
I know that most of you won't understand. I pray that you never do.
The only thing of real value that I have to will is my intellectual property,
all of which I put into the public domain. To ensure that this wish is carried
out, I leave all of my journals, sketchbooks, notes, and computer equipment to
Chris Blanc. I have chosen Chris because he is the one friend
that I know cannot be bullied or bribed into overt censorship, nor tricked into
allowing the sort of covert censorship that is my primary fear: that of recontextualizing
my words in bad faith. I trust Chris to ensure that my own truth is not suppressed,
however much my family and the psychiatric establishment might wish to do so.
Chris: I ask only that my words and images be made available to any and
all who wish to see them. My hope is that there might somewhere be artists
or scientists who will be able to sift through all of my crap (and most of
it is crap) and find those few things worth saving
and elaborating upon. (And if you can make my work accessible in a way
that is also financially rewarding for you, I encourage you to do so. I
ask only that the greater part of any profits generated from my work get
donated to the Seattle dance/theatre community: e.g. Velocity Dance
Center, Deborah Birrane with Unexpected Company, PAN, Degenerate Art
Ensemble, LeGendre Performance, D9 Dance Collective, and Seattle Fringe
Festival are all worthy organizations.)
My other possessions do not amount to much, but let me make gifts of what little
I have. I intend these things as gifts, not burdens: let no one feel obligated
to keep what I've willed below. You are free to give these things away, burn
them, sell them, whatever.
My CDs and DJ equipment I leave to Lara Schneider, to be shared with the entire northwest
EDM community. Lara, you are one of the few people who knew that I was suicidal,
and I know that that will make my death particularly difficult for you. I am
truly sorry for this. Please believe me: you did everything a friend could do
for me, and there was nothing more you or anyone else could have done.
My Mojave painting I leave to Regan Remy.
I leave explicit instructions with the Church of Mez to make as many tasteless
jokes about my death as possible. (Perhaps they can throw a dancerboy memorial
nitrous party?)
To Zhian Khonsary, I leave the number 17.5.
Let the rest of my possessions be disposed of in whatever manner is customary.
Of course, there are many others for whom I have no gifts but my love and
gratitude:
First, my love to everyone in the northwest EDM community: Inertia Labs,
Apollo's Lute, Seelie Court, et al. Thanks to you, these last few
years have contained many moments of joy and magick.
My eternal love to all of the lovers I've had over the years. Whether
we were together for years or only for a night, you are all very special. A
lover's embrace is still the most holy place I know, and every
experience of physical intimacy has been sacred to me.
And last and foremost, my undying love and gratitude to all of the dancers
and other artists with whom I have performed and collaborated, whose
choreography I have danced, and who have taught me what I know. Working
side by side with so many talented and passionate artists has been the
greatest honor and privilege of my life. I must in particular thank Laurie
Cameron, who first recognized and encouraged the dancer in me. I can think
of no other single person to whom I owe so much. Had it not been for
Laurie, I would have died many years earlier, in spirit if not in body.
I ask that, as soon as possible, my body be burned, and the ashes scattered
in some wild and lonely place.
Namasté.